This has been a rough week...

My uncle passed quite suddenly on Friday, the day after Christmas. We knew he was ill and the doctors had told him he had to stop drinking if he wanted to live. Apparently, he chose not too. He was admitted to the hospital Christmas day. A vein had burst in his badly damaged esophagus and filled his lungs and stomach with blood. They had to give him 6 pints of blood, nearly your entire supply. They banded his esophagus to help hold it together and patched the vein. They placed him in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator in ICU. We thought he was in critical, but stable condition. In the night the vein began leaking again, causing them to transfuse two more units of blood. And his organs began shutting down. I'm so thankful we were able to rush to the hospital and say our goodbyes as the doctor advised us to remove the vent and go with "comfort measures" to let him pass peacefully. They thought we might have a few hours more. As soon as they removed the vent, he passed. But he was surrounded by family and at peace.

Losing a family member is hard. Losing them suddenly is awful. He was my closest uncle. Only ten years older than I. I have so many great memories and I'm so thankful my sister and I got some time alone in his room to remember them out loud and let him know that we loved him and will miss him. I hope that he heard us.

To make matters worse, so far the home pregnancy tests have all been negative. I don't think I've stopped crying since Friday. Well, not for long anyway. We have our Beta blood test tomorrow, and yes, there is a chance it could still be positive, but my gut tells me it won't be. I always had this feeling with my own children when I was pregnant. I know it sounds totally crazy, but it was almost like I could sense their presence. I had that feeling Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I woke up Tuesday morning and it was gone. I was too afraid to take an hpt until Friday. Then I figured the day was already sucking, why not? Since then I've done seven, three different brands, all negative.

I need to call my IPs tonight and give them a heads up. I'm dreading it. But surely knowing what to expect tomorrow is better than false hope. And I know in my head that it's not my fault. My body responded perfectly to the meds, my uterus and lining looked great, I did everything I could find on line to do to help my fertility and encourage the embryos to implant. But since they are friends, I still feel like I let them down. What if I am too old? What if I am to heavy? What if it was those damn natural killer cells? The "What if's" abound. More likely it was the egg quality of the frozen eggs and the fact the clinic had very little experience with frozen donor eggs. But my heart still hurts.

We'd already planned for a second and possibly third transfer so I know we'll keep trying. I'm trying to find silver linings. I won't be quite as pregnant for my conferences if we don't get pregnant til next time. I can go visit my son next month and be able to have wine and sushi with him. I can stop the shots for a while (my hips will thank me). And I won't be quite as pregnant and miserable in the summer, so there's that.

Well, I wish I'd had better news. I'll update tomorrow with my Beta results and our next steps.

I sincerely hope everyone had a fantastic holiday season.


♥Spot

Let's get this party started!

The contracts are done! It took going to the lawyer's office everyday for four days, but at last, the contracts are signed. And what a huge relief that is. Not only because we satisfied the state's requirements, but that everything is worked out ahead of time, just in case something does go awry. It did make for some pretty stressful days and nights though. I'm so relieved to have this stage behind us. Our lawyer was wonderful though and really looked out for my interests.

I had the over-the-phone appointment with my nurse and she sent me the clinic's agreements to sign, notarize, and send back (necessitating that last trip to the lawyer's). And a med chart and lab orders of course. My IM just happened to be in St. Louis that day so she picked up all of my meds and brought them to me. And except for having to get a different antibiotic as I was allergic to the one they ordered, everything went fine.

I'm going to admit that the sight of all those syringes and needles is definitely a little off putting. And I was scared to death to give myself my first shot. But I did it and I survived. The first Lupron shot didn't hurt at all, but today's was a little rougher. I definitely felt the needle going in this time and the meds burned a little. I'm wondering if it's because I refrigerated it. Some of the surrogates in my support group do, and some don't. I left it out tonight, it's pretty cold so I'm sure it will stay below the necessary temp. I'll see if room temp goes in better. The only side effect so far is that the shot makes me a little sleepy and the oral steroids give me heartburn. But nothing major.

I'm more worried about starting the shots that are intramuscular. They seem a little more intense and harder to do, with more room for ouchiness. (Yes, I do know that's not a real word.) But I have until the 24th before I start them. I have an ultrasound that day to check my baseline uterine lining and a blood test as well. Another very early morning trip to St. Louis.

Now that we've finally started the business of getting pregnant, I'm anxious to reach transfer day. Unfortunately they couldn't make it on my birthday (December 15th), so it will be two days after. But that still gives me time to have a positive pregnancy test by Christmas morning, which is what I'm hoping for. What better present could I give my friends??

I've joined two surrogacy groups on Facebook and I'm learning a lot and making new friends. I've also met several surrogates close to my age (and a couple older) which is making me feel a lot calmer about things. If they can do it, I can too, right? And one of them didn't have to have a C-section. Fingers crossed I can deliver naturally too. Really the C-section is one of my biggest fears. I hate surgery.

On a non related surrogacy note, I turned in my novella to the editor this week. It felt scary, but fantastic. I've had plenty of stories published, but this will be the first thing of any length, and I'm super happy to be sharing pages with three other fabulous female authors. Grimm Mistresses will be out in February next year, in time to celebrate Women in Horror month. It feels fantastic to be on the other side of the business for a change.

Also, Molly (my daughter) reports she's feeling fine and that most of her morning sickness is gone. She's thirteen weeks along now and anxious to know if it's a boy or girl. We'll all love another boy, but I think everyone is pulling for a girl this time. I sent her a snapchat of my needle and vial and such before my shot and sent one back of my grandson saying, "Mimi's crazy!"

So the gist of this post is: the preheating of the oven has begun!

♥Spot

The one where I start to freak out...

So when I left you last, we'd really just begun the process for the surrogacy. Initial exams were done, things seemed to be on course. Only they weren't. After two cycles of follicle stimulation and egg harvesting, fertilizing, and testing it became clear things weren't going to go as planned.  I won't go into details, but the need for donor eggs became apparent. So my friend went back to researching. And my uterus got put on ice. (Not literally, that would be silly.) We slipped into a holding pattern while she searched for a solution. But she found donor eggs and we're back on track. Sort of.

We're in a time crunch to get the contract finished and signed before next Wednesday. The fertility clinic has to have the signed contract before they'll go any farther with me, and I have an appointment Wednesday. I'm on track to start the hormones on the 19th of this month (pre-heating the oven), and neither of us wants to delay it another month.

So their lawyer is finishing up the contract, they're reviewing it tonight, and we have a meeting with our lawyer on Monday. So, to prepare, I looked up the Illinois statute on surrogacy. Surprisingly, we're pretty progressive on a few things. We come in second only to California on the ease of surrogacy laws. And the ones we do have make perfect sense. (Illinois laws making sense? What? I know, right? Color me surprised) And I started perusing sample contracts online so I'd be up to speed and have questions ready when I got to the lawyer's.

That was my mistake. Holy hell! People still die from childbirth, y'all! How did this not cross my mind? There are provisions for all sorts of scary things: hysterectomy (okay, at my age, that kind of sounds like a bonus), ectopic pregnancy, stroke, heart attacks, death. No, no, and no. Generally, I'm not a "worst case scenario" kind of girl. I'm a "silver lining" girl. But there is no silver lining to having a stroke and being paralyzed and unable to talk. Or write. None.

This whole time I've been thinking about possible harm for the baby/babies from my age. Not myself. I nearly scared myself into a panic attack before I shut down that line of thinking. I think the only reason I got so worked up was because for the last week people have been telling me I'm too old to do this. And fat. But mostly old. However, it did make me realize there are a few things I might want to be sure are in the contract for my protection. I don't think the intended parents will have a problem with that. From the beginning their concerns have been for me.

So hopefully, the waiting is coming to an end and we're going to get this party started. I'm ready to rumble.

Also, did I mention my daughter is 11 weeks pregnant with her third child? This should be interesting...

♥Spot

The beginning...

When I hit forty, something kicked in, maybe common sense, maybe age, but whatever it was I finally realized I didn't want any more children. It was an eventful year: I'd been diagnosed the year before with fibromyalgia (after a prolonged period of illness); my husband had endured a near fatal car accident; our youngest son had graduated high school and spent the summer traveling; our daughter moved out, moved back in, got engaged, called it off, found out she was pregnant. I'd recently begun my career as an editor and author, had a fairly successful humor blog, and realized I was looking forward in a way to being an empty nester.

Fast forward two years, I'm forty two, my youngest has joined the air force and is set to ship out, my oldest is settled in a group home (he has autism) not far from where we live, my daughter has gotten married, joined her husband in California (he's in the air force too), and is pregnant again. And while I ADORE being a grandmother, I'm so glad I'm rarely the one on middle of the night duty. But my one of my best friends (whose several years younger than myself) and her husband (who I think of as family) have their first child. And it nearly kills her. She is unable to have any more children.

Time goes by, and my friend and her husband start talking about surrogacy and decide that's the way they'd like to have their next child. They don't want their son to be an only child and really want one more. I follow along as she researches it and begins a search for a surrogate. They don't have unlimited funds and the process is pricey.

Somewhere that year I start to think, "what if I volunteer to be their surrogate?" I mean, women my age still have babies. Well, celebrities do any way. And one of the girls I graduated with had a baby the same year as my daughter's first. So it can be done, right? But then, I think, no, it's probably a silly idea.

Time passes and my second grandchild is born. I'm with my daughter again as she gives birth and she makes it look so easy. In fact, she's just like me, easy pregnancies, easy births. And I start to think about the surrogacy thing again.

Meanwhile, my friend wasn't having any luck finding a surrogate. Their little boy was 14 months old by then and adorable. Of course I see him all the time because we're all such good friends. He deserves a sibling. My friends are good parents. They deserve another child. I start thinking again. The big hold up is my fibromyalgia. So I start researching it. Some studies say fibromyalgia symptoms decrease during pregnancy. People in a fibro support group say no, they get worse. But my pregnancies were so easy. I did have pneumonia when I delivered my first baby, but at the time no asthma meds were safe while pregnant. My pregnancy with my daughter was so textbook we never even had a sonogram. And we were only at the hospital twenty minutes before she was born. Even my youngest son, though ten pounds and breech, was delivered naturally (no drugs) in a mere 8 hours. I was good at being pregnant.

Time to talk to my husband. My husband had always said if babies came out a year old he would have let me have ten of them. I was great while pregnant, unlike some women, but he really didn't like the little baby part. And since we had three in three years, he made me table that particular talent. He was open to the idea of my being a surrogate, after all, they're very good friends of his too. But he was worried about my health. I promised to talk to my doctor.

Then we talked to our offspring. They too, were concerned about my health. My daughter said she'd offer to be the surrogate, but since they were still having children, it probably wasn't a good idea. My youngest son said it would be totally weird. But if I really wanted to, they'd support me.

So I went to my doctor. I honestly thought he'd be on board. He was not. I told him I'd been eating healthy, losing weight, and felt better than I had in years. He insisted it was because of my meds and that I'd have to quit all of them (except the asthma medicine) to get pregnant. I told him while I respected his opinion, I'd like to try getting off the meds to see how bad it was. He reiterated his dissension, but knowing I'd do it with or without him, he helped wean me of them.

And crazily enough, I'm doing fine. Sure, I'm a little more tired than I usually am. And in a little more pain, I notice my joints bothering me more. But no fog, and nothing like before my diagnosis. So I approached my friends with my offer. They were thrilled. Not only did it solve the problem of finding a surrogate, but if I did it, they could be involved every step of the pregnancy. Their son could watch the belly grow and bond with his sibling before birth. I'd be around them plenty, so the baby would hear their voices. They could go to doctor appointments and sonograms, and be present at the birth.

And so the decision to do this was made. The doctor from the fertility clinic conducted an interview. My husband and I both had contagious disease work ups. We're all clear. I went to the clinic for a sonogram, and a weird test where they pump water into your uterus while watching on the sonogram. It's to check for polyps and fibroids. The doctor said I have a perfect uterus.

Then we had to do an interview with a social worker. All four of us had to do a session, then just my husband and I, then just the other couple. This is a law. It had to be done before the clinic will progress further. Who knew? I guess it's to judge whether the surrogate will really part with the baby at the end of the pregnancy. And to judge every one's mental status. We passed.

Now we're waiting on the lawyer to finish the contract. Also a law. No one in our small area does surrogacy law, but my friend was able to find a lawyer willing to learn. I think he realized that at some point, more people may decide to go this route and then he'd have a booming business. Luckily, we'd all worked out a lot of the terms. Things you don't even want to think about: what if I'm in a catastrophic accident and pronounced brain dead? Well, of course, they would keep my body alive until the baby or babies were viable. That's another one--am I comfortable with the possibility of twins? Yep. So many things to think about. And then there's the money. It feels weird taking money from friends. But obviously, there are expenses I wouldn't otherwise have like maternity clothes, time off work, doctor bills. And when you look into it? Surrogates make a shit ton of money. But I suggested way less; obviously, I'm not doing this for the money. After the lawyer finishes it up, it goes to my lawyer, then we sign. And everything is legal.

And yet, things aren't exactly going smoothly.

I started this blog, because, well, I'm a blogger at heart. Also, around here surrogacy isn't something people know much about so there's a lot of questions from the few people we've told. And it's interesting. I've read a couple of other surrogacy blogs and was fascinated by what I learned. And someday, maybe the grown up baby will want to know how he was conceived, carried, and birthed with love.

I'm open to questions. Feel free to ask them in the comments and I will answer them either there or with a blog post if the answer is really long or complicated.

Thanks for joining me,
♥ Spot