My Obsession With Home Pregnancy Tests

And this is what surrogates know. You will have the urge to pee on a stick (home pregnancy test) pretty much as soon as you arrive home from the transfer. Of course, that would be dumb. And last transfer I tested early and got discouraged by the negatives. So this time I was pretty good and waited until I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer. I used a First Response Early Response because they measure the very least amount of hcg in your system. I couldn't really see anything (even with my reading glasses), but Molly swore she saw a super squinter. So of course I posted it in my surro groups and some others saw it, some didn't.

The next morning I didn't even need my glasses to see the faint line. I was ecstatic. But I kept peeing, of course. And peeing some more to be sure the lines were darkening. And they did. Not as much as I would have liked (everyone wants a super dark line, don't they?), but luckily our clinic does that first Beta HCG at 8 days past transfer, so it's not as long to wait.

So last Thursday morning, I went and had my blood draw. Luckily, I was leaving that morning for a trip to Ohio to visit my sister, along with my daughter and two grandsons so I was too occupied to worry much before they called. And when they called the nurse said she had "good news." My Beta was 36.9, which after seeing all the Beta posts in the surro groups seemed low, but the nurse explained that with early Betas they see a wide range from the teens to the nineties and anything over 5 was considered positive, so I was squarely in the middle. The most important thing was that it continued to double. Next Beta would be Monday at 12 days past and should be at least 150. So much pressure!!

I tried not to worry about it too much or let it be my only thought. Being at my sister's house certainly helped and we really didn't have much down time. I took another FRER on the Saturday before to be sure my line was getting darker.  I realize to anyone who hasn't been through IVF, this obsession with peeing on sticks seems odd (my sister and daughter kept telling me so), but trust me, it's a real struggle. I was pleased to see the line had darkened.

I took one more digital test the morning of the 2nd Beta, just to see that reassuring "pregnant 1-2 weeks" pop up on the screen. I had to go to a hospital near my sister's house to have the blood draw, but they assured me they'd do it STAT and fax the results to my RE. We went to this huge international grocery store after so that definitely distracted me. Then I came home and took a nap, but by four I still hadn't heard anything. So I called the hospital and they said they'd make sure it had been faxed. Then I called my nurse at my RE's. Nope, they hadn't gotten it. She called and had them fax it and then the NC called with great news. Beta was 198. My number had more than quadrupled. I was officially pregnant!!

I was positive I was this time. I felt crampy for the first three days, which didn't happen in December and is supposed to be a good sign. From day three on I had indigestion (thank heavens for Pepcid being on my "approved" meds list). And my boobs have gotten more sore with every passing day. My three year old grandson is murdering them most of the time. He's all knees and elbows when he climbs in my lap. And I pee constantly. Like constantly. The exhaustion didn't hit til Monday, but boy is it kicking my booty too. I knew I was pregnant this time, sure enough to tell my IM even before the bfp, but it sure is great to have medical confirmation.

Our heartbeat confirmation ultrasound is set for May 13th at 10 am. I'll be 6 weeks and 5 days. I'm so excited to see, and have them see, their little bean. I know my IM will relax a little then. She's got some genuine and well deserved trepidation right now. And I just want her to be able to relax and be happy like I am.

Finally, here's a picture of the near final pee test group. Missing are the three I did in Ohio. But you get the point. Lol.

♥Spot

This has been a rough week...

My uncle passed quite suddenly on Friday, the day after Christmas. We knew he was ill and the doctors had told him he had to stop drinking if he wanted to live. Apparently, he chose not too. He was admitted to the hospital Christmas day. A vein had burst in his badly damaged esophagus and filled his lungs and stomach with blood. They had to give him 6 pints of blood, nearly your entire supply. They banded his esophagus to help hold it together and patched the vein. They placed him in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator in ICU. We thought he was in critical, but stable condition. In the night the vein began leaking again, causing them to transfuse two more units of blood. And his organs began shutting down. I'm so thankful we were able to rush to the hospital and say our goodbyes as the doctor advised us to remove the vent and go with "comfort measures" to let him pass peacefully. They thought we might have a few hours more. As soon as they removed the vent, he passed. But he was surrounded by family and at peace.

Losing a family member is hard. Losing them suddenly is awful. He was my closest uncle. Only ten years older than I. I have so many great memories and I'm so thankful my sister and I got some time alone in his room to remember them out loud and let him know that we loved him and will miss him. I hope that he heard us.

To make matters worse, so far the home pregnancy tests have all been negative. I don't think I've stopped crying since Friday. Well, not for long anyway. We have our Beta blood test tomorrow, and yes, there is a chance it could still be positive, but my gut tells me it won't be. I always had this feeling with my own children when I was pregnant. I know it sounds totally crazy, but it was almost like I could sense their presence. I had that feeling Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I woke up Tuesday morning and it was gone. I was too afraid to take an hpt until Friday. Then I figured the day was already sucking, why not? Since then I've done seven, three different brands, all negative.

I need to call my IPs tonight and give them a heads up. I'm dreading it. But surely knowing what to expect tomorrow is better than false hope. And I know in my head that it's not my fault. My body responded perfectly to the meds, my uterus and lining looked great, I did everything I could find on line to do to help my fertility and encourage the embryos to implant. But since they are friends, I still feel like I let them down. What if I am too old? What if I am to heavy? What if it was those damn natural killer cells? The "What if's" abound. More likely it was the egg quality of the frozen eggs and the fact the clinic had very little experience with frozen donor eggs. But my heart still hurts.

We'd already planned for a second and possibly third transfer so I know we'll keep trying. I'm trying to find silver linings. I won't be quite as pregnant for my conferences if we don't get pregnant til next time. I can go visit my son next month and be able to have wine and sushi with him. I can stop the shots for a while (my hips will thank me). And I won't be quite as pregnant and miserable in the summer, so there's that.

Well, I wish I'd had better news. I'll update tomorrow with my Beta results and our next steps.

I sincerely hope everyone had a fantastic holiday season.


♥Spot